i've grown up

kinda emo tonight!

as i was still stuck with work (as usual la, nth special) but this round is the freelance job that i'm doing now at night, day time work like cow in off, evening kuli in eden.. haih what a life..

anyway, back to the point that makes me wanted to blog, since i was about to abandoned my blog ady.. i've just read thru all my archive from the starting when i blogged, last time used to blogged in msn spaces then change to blogspot, read thru all the things that i've wrote and all the pictures that i've posted up makes me feel very sentimental tonight, i laugh at what i've done in old time, most of the stories that i've written is the happy thoughts or happy people around me, but now my blog turned to be an emo blog..

i used to record down every single things that happened on me during school time, which was the most memorable & most happy time in my life, all the embarrassing stuff and silly things really makes me think that why i'll so stupid when i was young.. ha ha.. and i really missed it! those days were no stress or nth to care to loss.. just go and do whatever that i wanted to do! now looking back at myself i felt i've changed alot, perhaps grown up to be more mature? every single things or decision that i hafta made need to think twice!

i've blog for like 5 years, starting from 2005.. this 5 year's blog posts makes me feel so warm and making me realize where i am now.. i wanted to be back my happy-go-lucky type person that i used to be, very very pure & imaginative world that i used to dreamt of!

argh.. i cant explained the feeling that i'm having right now! and that's make me think back of my past relationship with my ex-es.. time flies! i've been single for almost 2 years, never in my life that i think i'm enjoying my single life since i've been in a relationship from high school till college till start working till owning a business.. sometimes it's kinda lonely when it hits the big day, like valentines day or xmas.. not to say i dont have crush on guys but it just cant happened to be together, or perhaps i've too many responsibility or my attitude scaring them away? or size problem? -.-"

i know there's so many things that u could have missed and some you may treasure it alot, somehow in my mind i always just let it grow naturally, in everything that i've been thru now.. as i said many times my expectation always comes with disappointment, i really wish to succeed in everything that i've done, but nth is perfect, there's always gain and lost.. for this moment i'm still thinking that i'm losing to myself, to become a real me..

most of the time i need to be fake to peoples around me, and must think 1st before speak out, and also there's too many questions that i'm afraid to ask, i just pretend that i know or nth is happening.. so tired of those acting la! i cant rant infront of my family to make them worried, i cant rant at boss that i'm having alot of pressure and criticism, i cant rant at my business partner that i wanted it my way, i cant rant at frens which they'll think i'm useless in solving problems and also paiseh to let them listen to all the problems that i'm having again and again.. it's my ego! :( so choosing to rant here is the better solution!

nevertheless i'm still grateful where i'm belongs now, from the past to now i've grown up and all the older blog post are my memories that will stayed in my heart forever.. it's good to write down so that in the future when i read back i'll laugh at myself again! just like what i've did just now, laughing non stop for all my older post, which means alot to me!

aiming my goal again (still question marks for me! what's my goal?) and keep move on, i cant stop what i'm having now, just believing my feels and go on~ it's the most powerful emotions that i'm handling :)

till then!

ps: actually i wanted to write down what was happened in the morning which 2 fellas making me laugh and cry at the same time, and also plan for my bday celebration which i used to have for the past years, guess this year i need some silent mood, i just wanted to spend it with my lovely people around me :)

pps: mum just back home and it's her bday today! happeee birthday mummy, love u lots!