fckin perfect

i dont know where shall i start this post.. alot of thoughts again and again.. my blog now is currently the place for me to rant out!

actually i was very disappointed.. and somehow very sad at the moment.. i just cant except the truth.. not that ive expected something, its beyond my expectation.. 1st of all is my work.. ive been to afew of interviews last month & this month, and ive rejected a job offer which i felt guilty! and now its officially, er.. not officially yet but i can tell that m2 is closing real soon, and this year i dont have any increment and bonus.. how sad! i really really wish to stay in this company as this is my very very 1st company and ive learn alot of stuff from here, but somehow it cant grow anymore.. if boss wanted to let me handle the company i dont think i can coop it.. well, i think i should just goto other places to explore myself.. maybe i really need a new environment but im just afraid to take it.. haih.. i think im damn failed la.. well see how it goes la.. im just going to try as much as i can..

as for eden.. i think its quite settle down already.. so there's not much worried on it and ill slowly leave for it to grow.. i do not want to think on the worst part for me in eden, but i really hope that there's appreciation on my hard work on it :))

further studies are now still bothering me.. i dont know if i still want to go for it now.. or maybe not at the moment since there's alot of things that need me to work hard on it.. and ive problem to fund my studies fees.. no matter how hard i earn the money, i just cant save :( sad case.. haih..

and being in the relationship arent perfect for me.. not to say shane is not treating me well but there's alot of room for us.. both of our personality is very similar.. and im really scared if both of us fight until very very teruk and ended up both of us is hurt.. i dont understand shane well, but i trust him.. im wondering why ill have such a strong feeling towards him.. im afraid! for once im afraid of losing in the relationship.. ive never had this kind of feelings to my ex-es but he's the special one.. i cant hope that we have a bright future but for sure ill try my very very best to be with him.. for once im very jealous right now, and did something that i arent supposed to do.. ive checked his email.. i know everyone got their own privacy but this is so coincidentally he told me the password of his email and i accidentally found the emails that he used to send to his ex.. i feel like i'm just a replacement for her ex.. which totally shocked me! i dont expect him to tell me the pass story but i just couldnt stand the lie.. haih.. i feel so upset everytime.. but think back the way that we got together and what we're having is such a miracles.. ill just let god to decide the road for me..

i shall let my emo hide inside my heart.. im not hurt but all this is not that i wished for.. i wont blame anyone.. and i feel sorry to my friends and family who always supported me.. im sorry.. this is so fckin perfect life i had..

happy 2011

1st post of the year! happy new year all..

hope this year would be a better year for me.. and seriously i need a big change!
go go carmen!

xoxo