emo again..

phew.. what a weekend again! suddenly have the urge to blog right now.. although i'm now freaking tired and starving.. just got back from kl for an actual day wedding shooting and whole day didnt even have any food in tummy (well i only have bread and soya in the afternoon)

i dont know whether is it good to be busy like that? and time passed real fast, without a blink of eye there goes my weekend.. alot of stress and responsibility making me cant breathe.. i really need to get out from all kind of stress! sometimes i wonder(again) do i really work until so hard, and get what i really wanted in my life? my goal seems disappearing again.. i dont know where to head to.. while i'm driving back alone that time my mind flashed back alot of things.. i'm scared to be alone actually, alone in the battlefield.. like yesterday i was stuck in eden alone, heavy rain and thunder storm freaked me out! and i'm car less, downstairs was empty and i scared of strangers (that area kinda dangerous as there's always criminal happened) aiks.. and this morning also stuck in eden handle all the customers by myself.. when they're back from shooting i need to help to convert the files, and waited the mtv to be edited then send to the restaurant.. and in the mean time there's another appointment also need to be handled..

looking back what i've did for the past few weeks really scared me, i couldnt believe i've done so many things in just a short period and keep my self so damn busy.. and my emotions turning upside down.. that's why i've a very angry post before this, and now i'm still very disappointed.. for the things that i've done and no one appreciate it! (i've been mention it alot for not appreciating my work!) i dont know why am i so mad about it, maybe is my hard work and i've dump in so many times in it but it turned out not that what i've expected.. expectation really killing me! so now i wont expect much on all the things, just let them come naturally and make it more interesting and surprising (that's the only reason how i'm persuade myself)

when everything just happened in the same time i'm getting all crazy, feels like no one could understand me and somehow problems just couldnt be solved.. the most hurting scenario is when u betrayed by your best friend (again) and didnt even stand at your side.. i'm really disappointed on what she did to me again.. and when she knows everything cramp up she just stay far and let me take all the responsibility alone.. this is not what a best friend for.. i cant believe you'll betrayed me just for your own good and left me in suffer, you can just go and wipe your boss's shoe and secure your job and stop trying to be good with me and your boss.. dont be our middle person, dont tell me how your boss treated you to make me jealous and dont bull-shit when your boss get mad on you and you complained about it in front of me.. i dont want to get involved in this scene like last time..

and as a friend, i didnt give any comments on her relationship and predict what will happened or teach her anything to get his heart or what, and i'm hating it when she talk bad about my relationship and not being supportive, saying how bad the guy is as she gone through many cases like this (as she haven been in the serious relationship before) please la.. i'm not the first time who tripped in the relationship and dont teach me what to do and talk all the craps, you dont know how i felt and you dont understand me well, you scared when i'm in the relationship then i've no time for you? you're being so selfish! and dont ever tell me all the stories when you've made your choice but you regret at last.. and dont ever cry in front of me when i've been telling you many times on your choices.. and now you're trying to get back me and said i'm the best friend of you? you think who i'm? use already then dumped aside and now picking me up again to share everything with you? i've been letting you to do your way and did what you've demanded, one phone call i'm out to fetch you to anywhere although i'm very tired and busy and let you to rant out what you like, one word i'm accompany you to eat what you want to eat? do you ever asked my opinion? or stand at my situation and not just being a water fish to you! for all the things that you've done i didnt speak out anything or ignore you, and please dont being so clever to help me in my relationship and let me heart broken once again.. you should know how was my situation and i was regret to tell you every single thing after the incident.. i should keep it low profile like the very first beginning.. i know you shocked when you know what actually happened but thinking back you're not comforting me but is me who comforted you.. damn.. why am i so silly again to treat you as bff since you're only using me when you're out of mind to find someone else? i'm so stupid to tell you everything in my life and treated you as my sis.. i guess this time i cant be so soft heart anymore, i dont want to be fooled by your pity look and compared my life with yours.. i'm sorry to say that.. i've my own life and i'm controlling it! feel so sad and heart broken again!

i always telling myself to stand strong, but how strong can i stand? i'm really really scared to be alone to battle all by myself, i know my limit.. just that i couldnt imagine the stress and responsibility that i still need to take.. the weird part is i'm still thinking of him when i've some free time or when i slow down my works.. that's why i'm keeping myself busy not to think about it.. i know he has alot of problems but i just couldnt help, at least stay beside him and listen to him, well just dont have that moment anymore, like what i've been sharing with him last time i've converted to my blog post, that's why now more emo post again.. ke ke.. i just wish that he could overcome from all the problems.. aiks.. why am i still so care about him? i need to pull out myself wei! i'm still keeping all the smses and all the conversation, but as the time past i'm deleting one by one already, there's so many of it and it just happened in a month! aiks.. i really dont know how to react every time i saw him, i just pretend to be cool which i'm not!

things just come in a sudden without realising it.. and now the stress are making me fat! everyone been telling me what happened to me until become like this.. i dont know why i'll eat more when i stressed out.. i just couldnt control it.. dah la so many problems now my look also need to be concern.. aih.. i just want my life to be happy and joyful, i dont expect much! what i've earn is totally not worth for what i look now.. money is important but when i think about how i earned it's not worth at all.. i dont need to be rich neither, it's true to work for money but this is not what i wanted to work with this way.. urgh.. frustrated..

and i'm still believing there's always miracles! is just the time does matter.. i dont know what i'm hoping for but well, at least there's a fake hope for me to turns things better? finger crossed.. tomorrow is a brand new week again.. i'm predicting there's alot of things to be done by this week, hopefully i wont get crazy or get mad again.. if not i really dont know what i'll burst out then.. just hope for a better life for me.. and i dont mind people who willing to cheer me up.. ha ha..

ohya need to thanks chai for the accompany and the cheque and the ram! :) at least now feel better to think back i actually being so lucky when your friends turn up to you when you're down.. and thanks to fred who always be my driver :p and thanks for cheering me up in a very funny way.. thanks to fay and rick for not forcing me or rushing me to do all the stuffs.. thanks to my colleague also who has been helping me alot and let me to rant out.. thanks to mummy for being so supportive (yea she finally see through my hard work) waited for me every night just to see me get back home.. and i miss my dad, a week didnt saw him (living in the same roof okay) omg why am i thanking so many people? supposed to be very upset but thinking back these peoples cheer me up again!

alrite gonna go sleep now! eyes are closing.. nights!
cheer up carmen!