self-proclaimed [cute little princess™]'s e-diary: November 2009

ok i dunno how to start this post, but i'm more calm now than yesterday..

phew!

something happened in my life again.

and i'm really really sick of it.

i dont know whether am i allowed to publish the story here.

but i just wanted to speak out what i felt now, my emotions been up and down, i even cant sleep for the whole night just for this incident!

and you're even not important in my life also! why i wanted to respect you and saying sorry to you? wtf..

i'm not mean to point out all your bad attitude but you really being so selfish and irresponsible, and seriously from the starting i'm hating you until now.. college time we're in different badge and i'm the senior, i didnt mean to challenge you to be the top student or the best student (which i honored as best student during graduation ceremony) every assignments i'm putting heart to do it and learn every single technique, when u ask for help or advice i'm happy to tell but when i'm asking you, you just said you dont know but you did it afterall.. so i thought i wont be seeing you after college since i'm not close with you and i dont think you even treated me as a friend, but the faith has brought back us together (wahh sounds so cliché) working damn hard for eden, which the ex left me alone then, suppose i'm leaving but not staying, but i choose to stay, all i can said is i'm not agree with your work, always ask people to do it but in the end need people to follow up or to rescue the work, wasting money to do all the useless stuff, and also as a partner you dont even trust me on what i'm doing and no need to ask for my opinion or suggestion whether i'm agree with the on-going things.. you dont even respect me as a partner! or i shall said even respect me as a girl! how hard to escaped from being molested.. you dont even know how i felt and how you freaked me up, and i choose to stay silence, but now when i think back i'm being silly again.. what for i wanted to susah myself, you think you can pretend to be pity and grabbing everyone's attention? who care's about my feeling, you dont have friend but doesnt mean that i've grabbed your friends for not asking you for trip together, you felt you've left alone but did you know that no one is liking the way you are and you really scared me outta my life! please, i'm not mean to hate you but your attitude i really cant tahan, i've always listen to you and follow the way you want to work things out, even your birthday i belanja u makan and watch movie (which i didnt even do this to my close friend!) 1 word to describe-selfish, and you just want victory, earn fast money, irresponsible and didnt care about other's feeling..

of all i can say, either i stay or i leave, dragging myself not to think about it but i cant, problems still hanging there and i need a solutions! and for the brothers who always supported you, you should be glad that you've people to stand on your side, but me, totally alone and no one could understand how i felt in the situation, you're not even worth for me to spend so much time and efforts on you, i've apologize and i dont think i can handle or face you anymore, soon i'll let myself disappear from this reality, and i meant it!

although yesterday night your brother is helping to understand the situation, and i guess it helped, even you say sorry back to me, i didnt feel anything, i still can laugh infront of you but in my heart i'm really hurt, for what i'm getting back is this! i'm really speechless.. and thanks to you for letting me know the people that i hated i still care about it..

i'm so damn moody from yesterday till today, and to my mum pls stop nagging me, i'm so damn stressed until i can breathe, i need some air and freedom, i just hope that i'm living in my own sweet dream but not facing the reality, it's really really scary!

and for you, i just wanted to let you know that among all the friends i have, you're the most unique one, and thanks for making my life so interesting! if this post annoyed you, let me know, i'll take it down, but i think you wont even understand what i've wrote. sorry to be mean on you, life's is cruel! and i'm in deep shit of my life now.

***

(er, wanted to continue writing again)

i need you to understand your brothers as well, i dont know if it's help, your brother is working very very hard just to protect you, just because you all are best buddies from kids till now, but world is changing, no one will willing to help you all the time when you still not moving around, please go and know yourself even more.. everyone is damn serious but you're still making jokes around, not practical though.. please hate me enough and not for the whole team, not everyone is like your brother so good who willing to stand at your side, and i'm jealous! if you have decide that you want to leave, i'll respect you and say thankyou, and i'll help you to buy all your shares, this is all i can do to make everything and everyone saved in the business.. you're being so childish, like playing sand in the business, you dont even know how many hard works that your brother puts in, i pity them but not you, the reason i stayed is because of the hard work and the heart in it. i'm not letting you to spoiled it, and i really appreciate if you can understand our situation and not starting to get any issues in the business.

oh and the bali trip, i'm not going anymore.. even hk trip i'm thinking not to go..

***

(okay, today i decided to write more & more again)

you failed in your relationship doesnt mean it's the end of the world, not everyone have the responsibility to cheer u up, and accompany you all the while, listen to your ranting, and making everyone moody and getting people's to care about you.. please! you already broke up for almost 1 year and please stop it! i know she's your 1st love and been through a long time but life's still go on! and i bet your ex leaving you is for your own goods and for hers as well.. dont ever tell again how much you cant put down in this relationship.. dont bullshit on me how this girl and that girl is very pretty and would go and tackle them, and please dont get jealous on the couple of one of ur brother.. love doesnt mean anything, and from your aspect nothing is important for you other than money! i can tell that!

and you make jokes around us, which is so ridiculous you jokes about all the weaknesses and the bad things, i'm hating that, your jokes giving me that you've bones in your words which hurt me so bad, but i know you're joking so i didnt really take it seriously, but.. but when i telling jokes, what the hell you're so serious and you even can get angry without any reason, this is really really small gas of you.. selfish again, thinking that you're the god and everything you done is good for us and didnt even care about others feeling, hurting like no body's business..

i dont know why am i so hating you, none of my friends even make me this mad! you're the 1st and i've already open my heart (this sounds so wrong!) to accept you as my friend but now i couldnt lie to myself again, i'm not going to treat you so good like before, even i dont want to see you anymore, very sickening.. your brothers will still stand on your side and helping you to say good words in front of me, but everything is different now, you're ruining your life but not mine, i wouldnt fckin care what's gonna happened next, i'll do what i'm in the position, for business purposes only..

seems like i'm spending too much time to hate you afterall, you still can blame on me why i didnt booked your ticket to bali (which is the main reason for this) but i've apologize and i did even ask you if you wanted to watch 2012 together, seems your ego is killing you and i guess you'll be alone for the rest of your life if you still dont want to change your attitude.. and you even make me hating your brothers as well for helping you so much, sounds like i'm the person who cause this issue out and making all the things cramp up! i'm the trouble maker now and i'm useless..

you know how hard the feeling is when you're left alone, not even a trust worthy friend who can stand at your side, i'm really really tired of it, i just want to get out from all this situation, for what i've done is nothing and no one could appreciate.. nor anything that i can really help, love hate relationship again.. and i'm not trying to be pity, this is my own blog and i just type out how i feel in my mind, i'll still be happy to live every single second of my life, i'll cheer up myself and i'll pampered myself more, not letting me drowning like you!