fckin perfect

i dont know where shall i start this post.. alot of thoughts again and again.. my blog now is currently the place for me to rant out!

actually i was very disappointed.. and somehow very sad at the moment.. i just cant except the truth.. not that ive expected something, its beyond my expectation.. 1st of all is my work.. ive been to afew of interviews last month & this month, and ive rejected a job offer which i felt guilty! and now its officially, er.. not officially yet but i can tell that m2 is closing real soon, and this year i dont have any increment and bonus.. how sad! i really really wish to stay in this company as this is my very very 1st company and ive learn alot of stuff from here, but somehow it cant grow anymore.. if boss wanted to let me handle the company i dont think i can coop it.. well, i think i should just goto other places to explore myself.. maybe i really need a new environment but im just afraid to take it.. haih.. i think im damn failed la.. well see how it goes la.. im just going to try as much as i can..

as for eden.. i think its quite settle down already.. so there's not much worried on it and ill slowly leave for it to grow.. i do not want to think on the worst part for me in eden, but i really hope that there's appreciation on my hard work on it :))

further studies are now still bothering me.. i dont know if i still want to go for it now.. or maybe not at the moment since there's alot of things that need me to work hard on it.. and ive problem to fund my studies fees.. no matter how hard i earn the money, i just cant save :( sad case.. haih..

and being in the relationship arent perfect for me.. not to say shane is not treating me well but there's alot of room for us.. both of our personality is very similar.. and im really scared if both of us fight until very very teruk and ended up both of us is hurt.. i dont understand shane well, but i trust him.. im wondering why ill have such a strong feeling towards him.. im afraid! for once im afraid of losing in the relationship.. ive never had this kind of feelings to my ex-es but he's the special one.. i cant hope that we have a bright future but for sure ill try my very very best to be with him.. for once im very jealous right now, and did something that i arent supposed to do.. ive checked his email.. i know everyone got their own privacy but this is so coincidentally he told me the password of his email and i accidentally found the emails that he used to send to his ex.. i feel like i'm just a replacement for her ex.. which totally shocked me! i dont expect him to tell me the pass story but i just couldnt stand the lie.. haih.. i feel so upset everytime.. but think back the way that we got together and what we're having is such a miracles.. ill just let god to decide the road for me..

i shall let my emo hide inside my heart.. im not hurt but all this is not that i wished for.. i wont blame anyone.. and i feel sorry to my friends and family who always supported me.. im sorry.. this is so fckin perfect life i had..

happy 2011

1st post of the year! happy new year all..

hope this year would be a better year for me.. and seriously i need a big change!
go go carmen!

xoxo

2011 resolutions

phew time flies..

doing my annual blog post thingy, here's what i wrote on last year and the highlighted red is what i've done so far:

here's the list of my resolution for the year of 2010:

- sayang my body and take good care of my health (that's a must!) trying so hard!
- target earn 80k next year i think i've only earned 50k this year.. gambatteh again!
- car & phone got it ady, must maintain haha! i got iphone4! maintaining still..
- start saving more, target 1k per month failed.. not even rm500 -.-"
- invest on housing, guess it's time to start planning to buy a new house for myself! failed too! too much of traveling this year!
- more trips & gateway! check check check! damn proud of it! 6 countries in total!
- changing to a new working environment (well, every year i did say the same thing but i still stick with my current company -.-") still stuck here -.-"
- be more brave to myself, do not shy to ask! (which i'm coz i know i'm so introvert!) changing!
- start gym or yoga! need diet! i need to slim down! damn failed for this!
- more shopping to pamper myself more :p yeap! more on shopping overseas! hehe
- more time for families & old friends yes.. accomplished this!
- get a bf! lol i'm serious! hell ya.. i've found one :p
- get more books to read.. been stopping buying books recently -.-" i think i bought only 3 books this year.. time to get some books soon..

wow it seems i kinda success on my last year's resolutions.. and i'm really proud of it.. i guess time had changed me to become another better and wiser person.. and no doubt i still need to work very hard for my future.. so here's my resolution for 2011..

• still a good & healthy lifestyle.. cut down on drinking..
• change all my bad habits!
• target earning: 80k (ya again)
• target saving: 1k per month
• start investing more.. besides business, mutual fund & insurance.. but on housing & shares..
• more trips & gateway! target: melbourne/sydney
• further studies in overseas.. get my master in design!
• leave eden (ok.. this is kinda sad.. maybe i'll just leave for the sake of good.. tragic!)
• new working environment! yes! again!
• spend trips for family, we hardly have a trip together!
• slim down!!! diet diet diet! 40kg!
• getting to know more friends, and connect back with old friends
• get a new laptop & ipad.. time to upgrade! :p

oh well.. that's what i can think off for now.. it's not hard to archive but it really takes alot of time & hard work.. finger crossed this time i'll be able to check all in the list :))

speaking of what i've done in this year.. here's the summarize version:
(dig out my organizer and check back)

january 2010
mostlt busy in eden, spend alot of time with eden's family.. had been drinking alot too.. with genki, yuki and gang.. and with chai's gang.. attended eric & erica's wedding dinner.. and had my apraisal by boss.. telling him that i'm going to further my studies..

february 2010

there's alot of s6ians outing since then.. and not to forgot it's the cny month, alot of eating, drinking & gambling.. hehe.. oh i've won rm650 from genting! woohoo! and oh.. fay suddenly left eden.. there's alot of comflicts in between.. tension!

march 2010

went to SHE concert cortesy of bro.. and i've done quite alot of yamcha session & photography session with khang.. got a shocking news that fay's dad had passed away.. so hk trip only left me rick n fred.. was not really enjoyed for the whole trip.. the most shocking part.. i've book tic to perth! thanks to the evil hoe & khang! and i broke my car skirting T.T

april 2010

it's my birthday month.. and there's 2 weeks of birthday celebration with friends & family.. and there's alot of s6ian outings too.. but mostly is with hoe & khang.. because need to plan for perth trip! oh annual gathering for gd49 was held in library.. spend the last week of the month in the land of aussie.. had so much fun.. the most happiest moment in my life! (omg i haven finished up my aussie post yet!)

may 2010

was quiet for the month because of travelling non-stop.. attended suet-ei's wedding dinner, our 1st s6ians who got married.. so happy for her.. and oh.. suddenly getting very close to harvey.. and hoe & khang was my best buddies now..

june 2010

sadnest month of the year.. grandma has passed away.. was very very sad.. luckily harvey is there to comfort me.. and i had to be a vegetarian for 49 days.. gateway to ho chi minh with mum & aunties.. being good girl all expenses cover by me.. but it was a very very noisy trip!

july 2010

there's nothing much happening in july.. drinking with colleague for the 1st time, and oh applied new credit card and helping lim to do some work for his new pub opening..

august 2010
luxy grand opening and continue helping lim to work for his cis.. and booked tic to macau during airasia promo! then the last trip of the year to bali.. and make the surprise decision again.. booked ticket to taiwan! phew..

september 2010
baby hit on divider when fetch selyn in lrt station T.T damn malu!! was busy working to earn more money!!

october 2010
party started this month onwards, alot of drinking session every week non-stop! and there's alot of things happened in this month! ky got a gf and i'm also in the relationship! most crazy month ever! and i've finally broke up with my bff! was damn emo and alot of shocking decision that i've made throughout this month.. and catch up with alot of old friends.. good to gossip again.. hehe.. and oh, attended genie's bb sebastian full moon party..

november 2010
alot of outings during this month, need to get more healthy lifestyle.. and also enjoy being in the relationship after so long.. hehe.. it's so nice pampered by your loved one.. and oh not to forgot i've attended interview! after dragging so long and finally making move!

december 2010
it's the festive month! and shane is starting to work and our time quite screwed up.. and even we started to argue more n more.. enlightened by henry after afew time of lunch together.. spent xmas eve alone.. damn emo.. but spending a nice xmas roadtrip with shane to pd & melacca.. and oh.. eden is doing it's 1st fair in sunway.. lots of things to busy! i wish my new year could be better, better hope for a brand new year and brand new me!

till then! xoxo

an update?

just noticed i still have a lot of drafts in my blog yet to be publish..
promised will update soon.. let me scramble out my resolutions of the year..

11days to christmas
18days to new year

xoxo

confused

i'm confused, for what i've done.. it does scared me for awhile, but now i was kinda regret for making a fast move.. i dont know it's the right decision i've done so far, i mean i trust my feel but somehow i doesnt feel uncomfortable.. i'm lost again, and i'm afraid i might lose again and again.. is this the feeling when you're in love? or i should stay away from being in a relationship? i guess only gods know the reason. i'm not letting myself to be hurt anymore, i need to be pampered! seriously my heart starting to bleed without warning me..